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Hey everyone. I'm back. I have a couple drafts sitting in Wordpress, one a very creative letter to our clients in IT. Another is discussing my dissatisfaction with the Wedding Industrial Complex. Another, of course, is about my journey through faith. Each of them is unfinished for a reason. The first, because every time I go to update it, I worry that someone will recognize themselves in this blog and I will be without a job. Seeing as I plan to continue in the customer service information field, I do worry. If this blog was just accessible to a couple people, then yes, I would bitch away.

A couple caveats in regards to this blog. I do not intend to turn it into an anonymous blogger type of deal where I unveil myself in time for a book deal. I know and have met plenty of people who have done this. It works for them, but I am actually tired of hiding what I'm saying behind the mask of anonymity. Plus, it's better to bitch to my best friend Brent and my fiance Mike.

Okay, while I am letting you know who I am, and my environs thereof, I am a strictly first name basis on this blog.

I am not altogether comfortable with people I don't know friending me on Facebook. I keep my Facebook profile public, for the most part. But certain parts of my online life are private, and I know I have to keep some things private in order to keep my life mine. I have learned this from years of being online and watching people get Dooce'd.

So, the Twitter I have up there? It's 'specially made for this blog. It will have basically the same stuff as I post on the private one, without having to compromise my personal one to communicate with friends. It also posts to my LJ, which is friends only. I am debating changing that as well, but I have to consider my entries previous. See how complicated privacy settings are!

So, to recap:

Facebook: can read my profile, some information is hidden. Will not add you if I don't know you.
Twitter: Private one for people I know personally and the public one: gsgirlblog.
LJ: Friends only.
MySpace: Public, not used. Trying to cull them down too.

When I first started out on the internet, I didn't hide anything. Things were so much simpler online then. I got to know the people I talk to still, and they have graduated. (The closest term I can think of...) But nowadays, as more people get online, the more careful you have to get.

I also made a pact to myself that I shouldn't hide my writing and chicken out. I have things to say and even if they're not polished, they are a reflection of where my brain is at that moment.

Okay, homework and chores time. More to follow. What's buzzing around in my brain? How the next two years are going to test me. Also, when is Rutgers going to send me word that I am in? Argh!
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Someone once told me that when we are born, we explode.
Pieces of our soul go flying everywhere and we live to find those pieces.
In people. In places. Everywhere.
And when we find them, we are complete.

Since I started my wedding guest list, and recently, I've been thinking about the nature of friendship. Is so-and-so a good enough friend that I will make room for them in my wedding? Will I still be friends with them when 2011 rolls around? What makes someone my friend, close for the moment? Are there levels of friendship? Can friendship change daily, hourly?

I spent a weekend in Atlanta with three friends I've known since 2004 from the internet and one I just met.
I slept in the same room with them, shared a shower with them, and they saw me looking like hell in the morning.

I spent one day in Atlanta with one of my best friends since 2002, also from the internet.
I have been there for everything in her life, and she in mine, and full months have passed between chats, but it was like we saw each other every day.

I spent this past Saturday with my best friend since 2001 from high school, his girlfriend who I never met, my fiance and three of my best friend's friends who I didn't even know really existed 'til that day.
After an hour, we were mocking each other in good fun, getting close to each other in a mere three hours, then we parted and disappeared into the human river that is Manhattan.

I have work friends, grad school friends, high school friends, even a couple grammar school friends.
I have friends-of-friends, friends of family, fiance's friends.
I spend every day, if I can, with my friend since 2002 who is now the man I'm marrying.

It is amazing, just looking at my pictures, how fluid friendship is.
There are people in my photos who, in that moment, were my closest friends, who know things about me that are private.
And, now that we don't talk, they are entrusted with that private information. They have that piece of me.

Facebook and MySpace calls everyone "friends", from my high school teachers and college professors to people I spent a weekend with at orientation and never talked to again. Each of them has a piece of me.

I spent all summer and most of last year talking to a friend of mine, who I don't talk to anymore.
I spent four years in love with a friend and talked to him without fail all those years, and stopped talking to him gradually over the past four years.
I had a best friend since pre-kindergarten, and I haven't talked to him in years. (I think it was because I told him I was bi, but whatever.)
I was best friends with people in high school, that, for some reason or another, no longer talk to me regularly.
You can be intimate with someone for years, even for mere days, then that's it.
A theatre family is like that. You are together, sharing this - some would call it traumatic - experience. It is a whirlwind six weeks, in most cases, then they disperse. It's not a conscious severing of ties, it's just gradually drifting away, in my experience. Each person has a memory of me, a thought, a secret that I have entrusted.

I remember a skit during an all school retreat on chastity, where they ripped up a heart, representing the pieces of you that were given to each person you slept with. I don't think it is meant to say that physically you are spread around. (Unless you have an STD.) Pieces of you, lessons you teach them and lessons they teach you, stay with them and with you.

People change. I've changed. Do these people flit in and out of our lives because they do not fit us anymore? Are most friendships based on what you need for that moment, sent to you by God or fate or whatever you believe in, then dissolve when the lesson has
been learned? It sounds so negative, to juxtapose friendships with short-term benefits, a disservice to the act of building relationships.

Thinking this way helps, sometimes, when I wonder why someone unfriends me online, why someone doesn't talk to me anymore. I send messages, e-mails in hope of getting a response. In the digital age, if I type a friend's name into the ether that is the www, I can bring myself back into their life, become an observer of their lives. If I contact them, I am, for that moment, a participant.

Friendships have changed with the advent of the internet age. You are friends, but it has a new meaning. It makes relationships even more fleeting. I had internet pen pals years ago who I no longer know how to contact.

So, that's why, in order not to obsess over what could have been, I let my friends go. They might go forever, they might come back. I can check in every so often, with a text or a message. They might answer, they might not. One week, I might not talk to them, then we are best buds for a couple hours, then we're back to the same ships passing in the night.

This brings me to my current mantra. What is meant to be, will be. The people that are in my life now are there because that's where they are meant to be at this moment in my life. Where I am, what I'm doing is where I am needed right now, where I am supposed to be. Someone up there put me here, put me into contact with people I need in my life, just like I am needed in theirs.

What is meant to be, will be. Everything happens for a reason. I am where I am supposed to be.

It all comes down to faith. My faith journey, however, is a whole 'nother post.

I think I'm back to blogging. :)
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I realize that most of the blogs I follow religiously have been eloquently talking about "No on 8" - enough so that I hesitate to throw my own voice into the fray. Then I realized that this is what No on 8 needs - more supportive voices. This twenty-one year old bisexual wants you to vote "No on 8" for the people. Ellen, Polly from Lesbian Dad, Melissa Etheridge and Tammy, millions of others. I don't believe for one second that their marriages won't be "disintegrated" by the evil powers that be. Isn't that awful? Someone can, by voting Yes on a proposition that the Yes-ers have been twisting for their own purposes to confuse good people who will be horrified when they learn the truth behind their Yes. Or they won't be horrified. But they should be.

Peaches Geldof got married in Vegas in secret, barely old enough to realize what marriage is. Britney Spears was married in Vegas for less than 24 hours. People from my high school get married just because they're pregnant and then are stuck in marriages they want to leave - just like Bristol Palin. These are the people who "ruin" marriage. The people who marry because they are threatened with being tossed out by their families or to save face. The people who marry on a whim, to people they don't really love. These are the people who ruin marriage.

I cried when I saw the coverage of the first gay marriages in SF. There were people who were my grandma's age, who had been in love for fifty years, finally able to marry. People who, even without the prospect of marriage, continued to love. These couples, the ones whose love is genuine, are what gives me hope that my own marriage means something.

I'm getting married in less than three years, to a wonderful man. It terrifies me that if I had chosen a woman, if I had chosen "wrong", I might never have the chance to have a real marriage. Screw civil unions. They don't provide nearly as many rights as a real marriage.

Vote "No" not because you want those religious people to get their comeuppance or to stick it to your homophobic family. Well, if it'll get you to vote, then go ahead.
But vote for the people. Vote for the people who are on tenterhooks, wondering if their marriage is going to be threatened, if they're ever going to be allowed to get married.

Because everyone deserves to fight with their future mother-in-law over personalized cocktail napkins, just like I will.

Also, just vote. If not for Ellen or any of us, for Doogie.


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September 2011

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